I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Monday, February 28, 2011

250. Eight Months of Blogging

Eight Months of Blogging

In spite of having written 250 entries by now, I am still not getting as many pageviews by google searches as I wish.   So I keep on writing entries.

My latest experience:
On a German paying site I got the special offer that I was allowed to contact other members for free during one entire day.    I was informed in advance, so I had enough time to scrutinize over 1400 profiles, who had been logged into recently.
Those profiles had been suggested to me as alleged matches, but there was no way to select for childfree atheists, who are really singles and not only separated.   
About a year ago I had contacted their customer service and suggested to them to include childfree and not religious in their search criteria.    They treated me as if I had suggested to include green skin and pointed ears.   

Therefore I had lost interest in this dating site due to their refusing to install the additional search options.    I was only contacted a few times, mostly by men, who were beyond 70, the oldest was 80.  At 61, I am looking for someone to grow old together, not for someone to make me a widow soon.  

But now I had one day of free contacting and so I started a gigantic task.   The first click is to open a profile, then scanning if they have children or not, scanning for religion or not, scanning for separated or single.   The second click to remove the unsuitable profile from the list, the third click to confirm the removal and the forth click to go back to the list.  
After handling about a dozen profiles, it became a routine, I managed to remove about 3 profiles per minute.   It was a dull routine, I felt like working on an assembly line.   By listening to an ebook I avoided feeling bored, while I worked myself through all those profiles.   

After hours and after more than 5000 clicks, there were about 100 profiles left, that met my basic criteria.   Having carefully read them, I contacted about 10 men.    None of them was someone especially appealing as a mindmate, but I contacted them, as I only had one day to do so.   Of those, so far two replied with a polite rejection.   

This is searching for a needle in a haystack without even knowing, if the needle even is in this particular haystack.  

They gave me one day for free.   At first I perceived it as an opportunity.  After 5000 clicks, I started to get aware, that the real benefit was not for me, but for them.   Every time someone on that site opens my profile, I get notified by email of someone's interest.  
Therefore as a result of my completed task, more than 1400 men got an email as if I were interested in them.    They cannot know, that instead of being interested, I just removed them as incompatible and that the alleged interest is fake as a result of insufficient search criteria.  
The site got a boost of activity out of me, making the site appear more beneficial for the men than it really is.      It seems that they deny better search criteria for the purpose to make more people look at incompatible profiles.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

249. Love Has No Age, But Equality Has

Love Has No Age, But Equality Has

I think to have mentioned before, that I am sick and tired of being contacted by men, who are considerably younger, but who think to be good enough for me, to be equals in spite of being much younger.    Usually they do not even understand, why I reject them.

Here is an analogy:   
Someone wants to book a course to improve the knowledge or skill of something, for example a language at a school, that offers several levels from beginners to very advanced.   This person can only learn and feel at ease in a class, that corresponds to his own level of previous knowledge.   
In a class for beginners, he would be superior and learn nothing, in a too advanced class he would be inferior and could not follow and also would learn nothing.   

Life is a process of learning and gaining maturity.    A couple is a team cooperating in the learning process of creating a happy committed relationship.   This also requires to be on the same level of the process of personal growth as a result of aging.   
I am 61, and with a male person of 30 or 40, whom I perceive as a boy, a youngster, but not as a man, there would be a very imbalanced situation.   The maturity level of my age is so far above his, that he is just inferior.    I would have to lower myself down to his level, that is half or a third of a life time behind me.    By lowering my own level to his, I would be the giving one, the teacher, the guru, and he would be the receiving, learning and profiting one.   I would be the giving one to someone, who has nothing to value to give back to me.  

Equal rights between all people are independent of who the persons are.   But an egalitarian relationship requires a solid base of equality, that includes also the age.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Friday, February 18, 2011

247. Puzzling Gullibility

Puzzling Gullibility

A few days ago I talked on the phone with someone, who told me about how his neighbour had found water, allegedly due to the help of a dowser.    So I told him about the experiments done by Randi, of which the result was that dowsers did not have any more success than was to be expected by statistical probability.    I told him about the million dollar price for anybody, who could proof the validity of dowsing.    His belief was unshakable.    There was one dowser, and one farmer happening to find water at the spot indicated by the dowser, and for him, it was not a coincidence, but the ultimate proof.   
If that guy had been a high school drop out, who never had a chance to even hear about scientific methods, I would not be puzzled.      
But that guy is someone with a degree in physics.     I doubt that I would be even capable to get that.    Yet he believes the weirdest nonsense, that I only laugh at.   Maybe he was already developing dementia.   

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

246. Women's Conscious and Subconscious Fears

Women's Conscious and Subconscious Fears

This continues entry 245.  

Many men think, that the progress of technology has created so many tools and instruments, that women can compensate for their relative lack of strength.   With modern weapons and tools, women can become soldiers and construction workers.    As long as this concerns competition and cooperation, it is true.   
But even the most women friendly men are oblivious for the fact, that on the individual level of every day life, no technology has changed anything since the age of the cave men.    In any isolated one to one situation, women are as vulnerable and at the men's mercy as ever.  
In every situation, when a women has a chance encounter with a stranger or a man, whom she does not know enough to trust, she is in real danger, if they are at a place, where there are no other people around.   

Luckily enough, I have never been raped, but short of that, I had my share of enough unpleasant experiences, that have taught me the truth about how dangerous men can be.   I told one minor example in entry 119.   It was a scary and stressful situation for me to face the two alternatives of either spending a night on a park bench or sharing a room with an unknown man.    
Men just do not get into this kind of a situation.   

The statistical chance of being attacked may be low.   But every time a man expresses his instinctive inclinations towards a woman's body in a noticeable way, and that happens very often, the woman cannot know, if he has the self-control to stop short of an attack.    She experiences herself at the mercy of a potentially dangerous animal.  
When a man hikes up to some deserted and remote ruins of an old castle on the top of a hill, he can sit there relaxed and enjoy his picnic.   In the same situation, I as a woman alone can never really be relaxed, and when a man appears, I am on alert and I start to get scared.   
When I miss the last bus and have to walk home from the railway station at midnight, I am scared.   

Weapons are not an answer.   They would make life only more risky.   Here in Germany, luckily enough, weapons are strictly controlled.   Most of the average cultivated and decent people have never in their life even had a gun in their hands, except those, who had been soldiers.   
Were this legal here, should a person like me, who hates weapons, train to learn to shoot, because some men are dangerous?   Should I carry a gun to explore ruins?   
Then if I get scared, I would either shoot in panic at someone, who was not really attacking me.  Then I would end up in prison for murder.   If I would hesitate too long, and the man would take the gun from me and then he would be even more dangerous.    And if even every woman runs around with a gun, then the men attempting to attack a woman would also have a gun.   When nobody has a weapon, a woman has at least a chance to run away.   If the man points a gun at a woman, she cannot even run away.   
I am very glad, that normal people in Germany do not have guns, not even at home.  

Men have often no clue, what it means to experience the threat of a life of being a potential prey to predators all the time.   There is a widespread denial of the danger for women, and many women are very naive themselves. 

In the western world, a woman is like an antelope in the savanna, where there are lions, who are allegedly tamed, but not all are.  
In the islamic world, there is much more awareness for the women's danger, but the prey is punished by being locked away and made walk under a tent, while the predators are allowed the freedom.    
They put the antelopes in the cages, while the lions are free.  

In the USA, there are those ghettos, where sometimes only people of one skin color do live.  Any person looking differently is in real danger to be attacked by just entering the ghetto.   But they have the choice to keep out of the ghetto.   
For a woman, the entire world is a men dominated ghetto.    

Monday, February 14, 2011

245. Gender Roles Caused by Subconscious Fear

Gender Roles Caused by Subconscious Fear

Someone suggested an excellent article to me:

It is worth reading, but in a very oversimplified way, the gist is that women are more motivated for a life on a smaller, more personal, more spaciously limited scale.    It is a convincing and very plausible description of reality.    But I miss any mentioning of the cause.   Baumeister presents that limitation to women's more or less innate choice.  

But here again, as so often, the most fundamental difference between men and women is omitted:
Men have the choice to either be egalitarians, or to use their greater physical strength to enforce domination over women by violence, coercion and intimidation.
Women have less choices.   If their are not enough egalitarian man available, then they have only the choice to suffer or to run, if possible.   
On the level of instinctivity, women are only given the choice to either allow one man to dominate and protect her, or to be dominated by all men without protection.     Finding one of the few egalitarian men is like winning one of the few prizes in the lottery of life.  

I know, that at least 95% of adult men are physically so much stronger than I am, that they are able to kill me with their bare hands and to force any atrocity of their choice upon me.    I know, that by instinct and by social norms, some men are driven and feel entitled to use womens' bodies ruthlessly and by the delusion of entitlement.   

When I was hiking alone or exploring deserted ruins etc, especially when travelling in Mediterranean countries, I experienced every encounter with any man, while no one else was nearby, as a threat that caused me fear.   
In such situations, I experienced the fear consciously as a consequence of a real danger.   But I think, that this fear is in the subconscious mind of many women, and it is behind a lot of gender differences.   

As described in the article, do women limit themselves to the smaller world of closer personal relationships and focusing on the home by motivation, choice and by the instinct to breed?   Or are they rather reducing the fear by sticking together to feel protected?

Desensitization, denial, submission, religious acceptance of being rewarded in heaven for suffering on earth are all just female strategies to deal with that fear.   But there is still enough of that basic fear working in the subconscious of women, that they are inclined to suffer too much indignity and humiliation just by resignation to the overpowering male dominance.  

Sunday, February 13, 2011

244. Halo-Effect of Male Doctors as Saints

Halo-Effect of Male Doctors as Saints

There are huge cultural differences between Germany and the USA concerning the cross gender choice of doctors.

I wrote entry 241 after googling 'male doctor female patient' and finding a lot of discussion in favor of accepting the female right to choose female doctors and nurses.   I found like minded people, who agree that forcing a male doctor on a woman is a form of sexual assault and that the woman has a right to be protected from forced intrusion into her intimate space.  

There is no such sensitivity in Germany, absolutely none.   Whenever I have dared to mention to any person, male or female, that I consider a male doctor forced upon me in a hospital as an outrage, I am considered and treated as if I were in some way mentally ill.  
For Germans of both genders, a woman feeling uncomfortable with a male doctor is like someone feeling uncomfortable getting cold and wet in the rain.    Rain and male doctors are considered unavoidable events of life.    Even the German feminist movement, who ardently fights for the right of abortion, against pornography and many important issues, is oblivious to this issue.   The most prominent feminists seem to consult male doctors without thinking twice about it. 

I made the same google search as above in German:  männlich Arzt weiblich Patientin. 

I perused the first 100 findings.   Some major topics:

1. Statistics about the number and specialties of female and male doctors.  
2. Different communication styles of female and male doctors
3. Male doctors may lack understanding for the female way of experiencing sexuality
4  Female doctors may be the better qualified doctors for selected illnesses
5  Female gynecologists can be more knowledgeable by knowing, what they are examining and more rough for the same reason
6  General behavioral differences between male and female doctors
7  Male doctors' ignorance of the needs of female patients

But there was absolutely nothing about the suffering of women forced under male intrusion into their intimate space.  

Cases of doctors drugging and abusing women are reported once in a while in the media.   Only a few days ago, there was a case in the newspaper of a male nurse aged 27 having abused 7 women between 72 and 98 over a time of several years, some of them demented or in a coma.
In this article, it is reported that some people expressed strong outrage and shock.   But it all focuses only on the misconduct of this one individual nurse.   
"Weder seine Zeugnisse oder die Bewerbungsgespräche noch seine Arbeit hätten Zweifel an seinem verantwortungsvollen Umgang mit den Bewohnern erkennen lassen"  
Translated:  Neither his references, nor the job interviews nor the performance of his work have led to any doubts concerning his responsible interactions with the inpatients.

That one bad guy is considered as personally guilty.   There is not even a hint of the question, if forcing helpless old women, who cannot even protest, into the power of a male nurse is a wrong decision and should be reconsidered.  

Whenever children are concerned, either when directly abused by adults or when indirectly abused by paying for child pornography, there is an outcry about what to do.   Child pornography is illegal, and when a child is abused, all those, who have not prevented it, bosses of institutions, child protection authorities and others are also hold responsible.  
But as soon as a victim is an adult woman, nobody bothers really, who enables the abuse, who could have prevented it.   There is no responsibility ascribed to anybody except by the direct felon. 

When the bishop moves a pedophile priest to another job, where he can continue the abuse, everybody holds the bishop responsible.    When the manager of a nursing home orders female patients to be nursed by male nurses, nobody here in Germany holds him responsible. 

I have only one explanation.   Even 66 years after the overthrow of the nazi dictatorship, some of their mentality is still ruling the German culture in a subtle but very detrimental way.  
It is the submission to both the authorities and to the authority of dominant and high status men.   It is not so much an external but even worse, an intellectual and emotional submission.    People are brainwashed, that authorities are right as are all men with the authority given to them along with high status and a high position on a hierarchy.

In nazi times, women were supposed to produce as many children as possible and raise them.   Doctors were men, they were supposed to help deliver the children.    

Doctors in Germany are considered as gods in white and by halo effect also as saints.   One reason is the German university system.   University is tuition free for all, who have passed the high-school end examination called Abitur.   So there are by far more people wishing to study medicine, than there are places available.   Accepted are only those with the best marks.   That means, those, who are both, the most intelligent and the most conforming to the requirement of school.   They were the most submissive to their teachers, later on they want to experience the submission of others. They choose to become doctors for the high status and the high income.  But there is neither a selection nor a self-selection for emotional intelligence, ethical fitness or altruism.  

Confronted with doctors with high status, considered as a sort of saints, women brainwashed to accept subtle male domination as something to be taken for granted are too much in awe to even doubt their obligation to be sheep to the doctor's treatment, whatever it is.     

There is also the islam problem.   When in the 60s Germany brought in lots of foreign workers, who then stayed and immigrated, all nationalities integrated, except the Turks, whose islamic culture kept apart.   I dislike any religion, that allows polygamy and male domination over women, so I also dislike the islam.  
Yet islamic women in Germany are the only women, who refuse and resent to be treated and nursed by men.    Unfortunately, the same people, who treat me as deranged and prude, also deny, that the islamic women want to protect their dignity the same way as I do.    These desensitized Germans have the prejudice, that it is a part of the islamic women's repression and that they want female doctors only in obedience to religion and husbands and not by their own personal sensitivity to their dignity.  
This is very flawed logic.   An islamic woman wants a female doctor.   The islam is bad for women, ergo wanting a female doctor cannot be good for women, even for German women. 

My only good luck is, that I only live 25km from the dutch border.   If ever I need to, I know, where to go to the hospital.  

"Female patients have the right to refuse treatment by a male doctor. Only in emergency situations can a woman be forced to accept a male doctor."

Friday, February 11, 2011

243. Patients' Cross Gender Choice of Doctors and Nurses - 2

Patients' Cross Gender Choice of Doctors and Nurses - 2

This continues entries 241 and 242.
This is also a reply to Suzy's text, who has invited me to add my comment.

2.  Why do institutions ruthlessly force treatment and nursing by doctors and nurses of the opposite gender upon patients, even though they protest and resist?   

This concerns institutions like hospitals, nursing homes, rehabilitation centers, forensic and psychiatric wards, in short all institutions, where people enter, because they have no choice to stay out, either by health issues or by being admitted by law. 

The principle of medical treatment is supposed to be:  primum non nocere.   That means, first of all, do no harm.  
It is by now general accepted science, that psychological factors have a very important part in helping or impeding the healing of any health issue.   
When a woman experiences the handling of her body by a male doctor or nurse as a sexual assault and she is powerless to refuse it and to protect herself, this does serious harm to her.   This may well make her more sick and impede her healing.    It is a violation of the primum non nocere rule. 

There are several factors to consider:

1.  Who has the power to decide the job organization, the institution governance, the rules, the choice to employ male or female nurses?
Who is responsible and accountable, when a male nurse washes a woman in spite of her protest?
Has he decided this himself, is the distribution of the work load decided by the workgroup or by the management and by dominating bosses?
Are there any rules to protect the women, but the staff ignores the rules and nobody enforces them?
Does a male nurse risk his job, if he refuses to wash a non-consenting woman?  

2.  For what reasons do people choose to become nurses, doctors, massagers and other jobs of directly handling human bodies?  
How much maturity and emotional intelligence was in that choice?
  • Average:  It is just a well paid and secure job, there has been a role model in the family, or there is any other haphazard but neutral reason.   
  • Dangerously immature and lacking emotional intelligence:  Some men are driven by their subconscious sexual wishes to choose a job, which gets their hands on women's bodies.
  • Maturity and emotional intelligence:  They are caring persons with a lot of altruism and maybe political motivation.  They want a job, where they feel to do something good and not just be part of the capitalistic rat race.  
3.  Has the institution of their training and the institution of employing them screened for their motivation to keep the dangerous and immature men out?

Assuming for the following considerations, that the male nurse is a person with the motivation to give good care to the patients.  He sincerely wants to avoid harming.    What are the reasons, that he in spite of this does wash the woman, who experiences this as a sexual assault?

1.  The woman suffers but nobody knows it.
1.1.  The woman has been so brainwashed, that she is has begun to belief herself to be a ridiculous prude, whose feeling uncomfortable in this situation were her own flaw, and she does not dare to protest.    
1.2.  She is scared to be punished as a trouble maker.   
1.3.. She has been declared as seriously mentally disturbed, and her protest against being washed by a man is mistaken by insensitive promiscuous men as a part of her mental condition.   In the worst case, if she has the courage to struggle against the sexual assault, they may even force psychopharmaceuticals into her.

2.  The nurse is promiscuous with extrinsic morals only.   For a promiscuous person, sexuality between bodies is principally permissible and acceptable, no matter if it goes as far as copulating like alley dogs or if indulging in any form of allowing or enjoying sexual stimulation.   For a promiscuous male nurse, it is just of no importance, how much or how little washing a woman's body is a sexual activity.    
If he is not only promiscuous, but also immature, he projects his own promiscuity upon all other people.   He has no clue, that a woman, for whom monogamy is a core part of her personality, perceives any sexuality without a committed relationship as a harmful assault.    He is ignorant, how much he is harming her.  
He may well have the morals not to cheat and to respect other people's relationship, and such.  He may well consider himself as a moral man, but based on the assumption of universal promiscuity.    If he is part of a social group, where promiscuity, desensitization, oversexation (entry 237) have become the norm, he may never have a chance to learn, that a woman has her own dignity and that her basic human rights include her right to keep unrelated men away from her intimate space. 
Such a nurse may take the alleged sanity of promiscuity so much for granted, that he may indeed sincerely belief, that a woman's wish for modesty is a sign of mental disturbance.

Only a male nurse, who is monogamy and whose promiscuity-inhibition (entry 101 ) has never been destroyed, can have the intrinsic moral based upon his own values, that enables him to know the limits of morally justifiable intrusion into a woman's intimate space.   

There is the problem:   The woman in the situation of experiencing the male intrusion into her intimate space directly suffers harm from that nurse, but the true cause of the harm is the social norm of widespread promiscuity and oversexation in mainstream society, and the desensitization of those, who have the power to inflict harm on the minority of the sensitive and monogamous people.    
Promiscuity is a scourge of humanity, and the harm of promsicuous male nurses is just one more indication of this.  

242. Patients' Cross Gender Choice of Doctors and Nurses - 1

Patients' Cross Gender Choice of Doctors and Nurses - 1

This continues entry 241.    After writing it, I did some googling, and I discovered lots of discussions on the topic of the importance of the gender of the chosen doctor.   I was astonished and at first also a bit puzzled, how many people defend their cross gender choice.  

With full sensitivity and consciousness for the biological facts, it is obvious, that every intrusion into the intimate space of a person by another person of the opposite gender is connected with sexual instincts.    When the intrusion is forced upon the person, it can be called a sexual assault.   People, who do not experience or define this kind of contact as sexual, are desensitized or in denial.  
Logically, if women would be treated and nursed by women, and men by men, a lot of trouble and suffering from abuse could be avoided.    But in spite of this, this pattern is not the normal case. 

This leads to two questions:
  • Why do patients sometimes consciously choose doctors and nurses of the opposite gender?
  • Why do institutions ruthlessly force treatment and nursing by doctors and nurses of the opposite gender upon patients, even though they protest and resist?   

1.  Why do patients sometimes consciously choose doctors and nurses of the opposite gender?

The doctor treats patients as they come, he does not choose their gender, usually he does not have this option.    Only the patients sometimes have a choice.   In most cases, it is the power of the institution like the hospital or contracts with health insurances, that assign patients to cross gender doctors.   In a hospital, a female patient may protest to be treated by a male doctor, and he my even sympathize with her wish ready to comply, but he is forced to take her case by the rules of the institution. 
-When a female heterosexual doctor treats a female patient, and when a male heterosexual doctor treats a male patient, it can be expected, that the quality of the treatment depends on the qualification of the doctor, the personality and the actual condition of stress, fatigue and such.    Sexuality does not interfere.
- When a patient is neither objectively nor subjectively troubled by the doctor of the opposite gender, then they are mutually persons, who would not mate, even if they were the only persons on a deserted island, because there is no chemistry, not instinctive attraction at all.   In this case, sexuality may also not interfere.
When a patient chooses the doctor by gender, the choice is always based upon conscious or subconscious sexual reasons.  
-When a female patient chooses a female doctor and a male patient a male doctor, they do it consciously for the reason of decency and for being sensitive enough to entering a situation, that they personally would perceive as sexual.   They do not want any sexual attraction without a relationship.   If they have a partner, it is an act of respect for the partner to avoid all inappropriate sexual attraction, they are risking by the examination.
-When a female patient chooses a male doctor, because she feels, that he is especially kind, patiently listening, taking his time for her, this is an expression of subconscious attraction converted into behavior, that is on the conscious level experienced as pleasant.   Assuming that neither the doctor nor the patient would even consider cheating on their respective partners, this does not exclude, that somewhere in the subconscious the doctor imagines a date with the attractive woman.   Maybe the woman is married to a man, who has a low status job earning little money and she subconsciously enjoys the attention of a man of high social status.  
-Some men are no only homophobic, but panicking about ever being either mistaken for gay or discovering any sign of being gay in themselves, it would cause them too much shame.   They are phobic to experience unwanted reactions if consulting a male urologist.   They prefer a female doctor.   Whatever reactions they show and cannot control, gives them a double set of feelings, superficial embarrassment covering the feeling of expressing the masculinity as subjectively for them it should be.   -Female patients are brainwashed to accept a male doctor and the presence of a chaperon as enough protection.   It does protect them from active abuse, but it does not at all diminish the instinctive urges of the male doctor, making him perceive her not as a person entrusted him to cure, but as a potential prey temporarily out of his reach.   

The second question will be answered in another entry.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

241. Homage to Medical Patient Modesty

Homage to Medical Patient Modesty

Wow, I just discovered this web page.
So much progress seems to come from the USA, this is another example.   I can only dream of an organization like this in Germany.   

Luckily enough, I am healthy at 61, but how much longer I can stay clear of hospitals, I cannot know.   Whenever I mention to anybody, that I am more apprehensive of the ordeal of the sexual assault of being treated and nursed by men against my will than about getting sick, I am ridiculed as a prude.  

But being prude comes from prudence, and  
"Prudence is the characteristic of exercising sound judgment in practical affairs."
"It is often associated with wisdom, insight, and knowledge."
Finally, and for the first time in my life, I found likeminded people and even an organization, who back up my own perception and my own insights.    
I am sick and tired of being considered as the aberrant one in a pseudo-progressive and pseudo-liberated society, where mistreating and humiliating women is a social norm.   
My reasons for prudence had started with my more intuitive perception of all the more scientific insights that I gained later by learning a lot about evolutionary biology and evolutionary psychology.   
I have very good reasons for my prudence:

The necessity of desensitization and denial to enable life in a crowded society does only cover the social and the personal space, but it does not include the intimate space.     Unrelated people can interact and fulfil all requirement of every day life without any intrusion into each other's intimate space.  
As a consequence of the spiral of desensitization and oversexation, as described in entry 237, society has given up the protection of the intimate space in a way, that cannot be rationally justified or warranted at all.   

Based on my understanding of evolutionary biology and psychology, I claim:
  1. Nakedness inside the social, personal and intimate space is principally sexual, both as the reason for the display and the reception of the display by the instincts.
  2. Touch by a person of the opposite gender of the naked body is principally sexual.   (I am not talking about handshakes etc.)  
  3. When people consciously do not experience nakedness and touch as sexual, either on the perceiving or the initiating end, it is a result of psychological dynamics and social norms.    It is an individual disposition, that cannot be generalized by projection upon others. 
  4. When two persons agree on defining an interaction involving nakedness and touch of the naked body as not sexual, it is their freedom of choice.   Not experiencing nakedness and heterosexual touch as sexual does not give anybody the right to define it as not sexual for others.  
  5. When a woman experiences an interaction involving looking at and touching her naked body as sexual, her subjective experience counts and has to be respected, no matter how the man defines or experiences it and no matter, for what purpose he does it.  

It is a basic human right:
"to be free and protected from unwanted sexuality"  
That includes a woman's right to restrict, to whom she displays and whom she allows to touch her naked body.   It is her basic human right to restrict these sexual activities to a partner, whom she has chosen, and refuse them to and by any other man.
Touching and undressing a woman against her will is by law considered as the crime of sexual assault, when it is committed by an individual.   

But here in Germany, the same crime is committed on women every day with the consent of the law, social norms and many insensitive and ignorant people.    These completely irrational norms sort men into categories or harmless or harmful, which cannot be in any way justified as rationally.    Biologically, every man is an animal with instincts, no matter his training and professional career.   

Example:   A pair of identical male twins.   One is a warden in a prison, the other a male nurse.  
Every visitor to the prison has to accept being checked for not smuggling in anything.    But a woman has the legal right to only be examined by a female prison employee.   The male warden of the twins is not allowed to do it.  
But when the same woman has an accident and is brought into the hospital, without even being asked for her consent, the twin brother, the male nurse has his hands and eyes all over her naked body.  
The general justification of this is the firm belief, that by habituation and desensitization, for male doctors and nurses, handling a patients body is indeed not different from handling a pig's body or a wooden statue.   But for the woman, it is a sexual assault  without her consent and a violation of her basic human rights.

But the situation is much worse than that a woman is only being handled as if she were an object lacking dignity.  
The social norm forcing women into the hands of male doctors and nurses is based upon the wrong assumption, that indeed the woman's body is always experienced just as a piece of wood by the handling man.   This is a myth. 
The web and the newspapers are full with reports of sexual abuse by male doctors and male nurses.   
"The database contained 728 sex-related orders taken against 542 physicians between 1981 and 1994 and 321 additional orders taken in 1995 and 1996. From 1989 to 1996, the number of physicians disciplined in each year increased from 42 in 1989 to 147 in 1996,"
"In California, there were disciplinary actions against 2,309 doctors, including 57 for sexual abuse of or sexual misconduct with a patient."
"According to a survey reported in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA), 10% of psychiatrists admitted to having sexual relations with their patients. In a July 1997 report, published by the Public Citizen Health Research Group, 28% of psychiatrists were disciplined for sex-related offenses"
"The number of all doctors disciplined for sexual misconduct doubled from 1990 to 1994. Of the total disciplinary actions taken against doctors, 5.1% were for sexual abuse of patients or other sexual misconduct."
"...reported elder abuse cases ....  Three percent involve sexual abuse. "
Sexual abuse of patients is far from an exceptional event, it is an frequent occurrence.  Unfortunately, it is more logical, that it happens than not.   When a male doctor or nurse has his hands on a naked female body, the instinctive urges get triggered in him just as in any other man.  
The doctors and nurses are the direct criminals, as far as they have chosen a profession, that needs more self-control and responsibility than they have.  
When someone leaves meat on the table, and the cat eats it, who is to blame?   The cat for following the instinct to eat, or the one, who puts the meat in the cats reach?
When someone forces a woman against her will naked under the hands of a man and she gets abused, who is to blame?   The man for not controlling his instincts, or all those people, who coerced the woman into the situation?
If a woman asks in a hospital to be treated and nursed by women, but it is denied, and she then suffers abuse, those, who have made and enforced the rules are as guilty as the perpetrators.   When men cannot control their instincts, then women need to be protected from getting under their power.  

The cases of abuse are a clear indication, that nobody can ever guaranty to a woman, that a doctor patient relationship will not become a sexual relationship for him.  The whole myth of the doctor patient relationship as never sexual is the common justification to force women into the hands of male doctors.    Forcing women into a situation, that they experience as a sexual assault, based upon a myth is an outrage.  

The tragedy in our modern society is the denial and ignorance of the power of the instincts and of their real danger to women.    A woman like me, who is fully conscious and sensitive to the fact, that a male doctor is always a hazard of abuse, is ridiculed as a prude.   Being desensitized and in denial in an oversexed world is the social norm and forced upon those, who know better.  

Without reducing or excusing the perpetrator's guilt, those women, who think to be modern and no prudes and who therefore choose to consult a male doctor, bring the getting drugged and abused upon themselves by their own ignorance.    But the male domination of society is responsible for this ignorance.   It is male domination over the forming of rules, laws and norms of society, that has caused this disrespect for women's intimate space and the brainwashing of so many women to participate in this themselves.     
As long as desensitized and stupid women choose to consult male doctors, they unfortunately not only enable and perpetuate the abuse by those doctors for themselves, but also for those women, who know better, but have no choice.      
Women could have a lot of power.   If every woman would only consult female doctors, then the male doctors would be left to treat the men.   If enough women would demand it, there would be the all female treatment and nursing for women in the hospitals and nursing homes.   

240. Chemistry and Subconscious Instinctive Communication - 4

Chemistry and Subconscious Instinctive Communication - 4   

This continues entry 238.

General scenario:   A woman and a man, each married, are colleagues at work.   Due to their adjacent desks, the share their social space.   Sometimes they also share their personal space, when being in crowded conditions like using public transport together.    

1. Their interaction is under the influence of:
1.1.  The attraction of the other's body according to the checking by the instinct.   It can be between zero as the result of previous checking and very strong.
1.2.  The capacity to perceive the attraction and checking by the other.
1.3. The amount of desensitization and denial keeping the feeling and perceiving of attraction below the threshold of consciousness and the individual level of the threshold.
1.4. The outcome depends also on external circumstances, their strength of self-control and their consciousness of the consequences of defective behavior.

2.  Possible symmetrical scenarios.

2.1.  Truly platonic:   There is no instinctive attraction and they can work together without trouble
2.2.  Pseudo-Platonic:   The mutual instinctive attraction is below the threshold and they also can work together without trouble
2.3.  Disturbing:   Their mutual instinctive attraction reaches consciousness above a low threshold.   They do not want to cheat, they feel uncomfortable and solve the problem by finding other work arrangements.
2.4.  Disruptive:   Their mutual instinctive attraction reaches consciousness above a high threshold, maybe triggered under alcohol at some social event.    This leads to cheating.

3.  Possible asymmetrical scenarios.
3.1.  Onesided disturbing:  One feels instinctive attraction consciously above a low level threshold.   The other does not feel attraction and either is or is not conscious of the situation.    The one feeling the attraction is very uncomfortable and can only solve this by getting out from this situation. 
3.2.  Onesided disruptive:  One feels instinctive attraction consciously above a high level threshold.   The other does not feel attraction or attraction below the threshold.    This is the situation, usually of a woman, who is under sexual harassment.  The male predator is pushing his attentions on a female prey, while he is ignorant, if this is welcome or not.   If she is lucky, the harassing colleague gets removed.   
3.3.  Onesided disruptive and power:  One feels instinctive attraction consciously above a high level threshold.   The other does not feel attraction or attraction below the threshold.   The male predator is pushing his attentions on a female prey, while he is either ignorant and not interested, if this is welcome or not, or he is forcing his attentions on a rejecting female.     This is the situation, usually of a woman, who is under the sexual harassment of a boss, and all she can do is get out of the situation.  

Based on the delusions of underestimating the instincts and overestimating self-control and the deterrent effect of sanctions, unrestricted mingling of pairs of the opposite genders is considered as harmless.   People organize their every day life at work and their social life, as if truly and pseudo-platonic interactions were guarantied for all people, who intented it this way.   

If people had a more realistic notion of the power of the instincts over them, they could prevent some of the disturbing and disruptive scenarios.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

239. Hostility or Exasperation

Hostility or Exasperation

I got this feedback in a private mail.

"Your blog seems a bit hostile in a way. It as if you are magnifying something in the sunlight and those who get too close will be burned up to ashes by your scathing comments."

When there is mutual respect and appreciation with a partner, I am a kind, caring, friendly, gentle, peaceful, considerate person, very motivated to invest any time and energy to make the relationship work.    I am void of any hostility or aggression towards any person, whom I respect and appreciate.    I avoid hostility by avoiding all people, who would not deserve anything better than hostility and scathing.

When writing the blog about what I do not want, I am obviously influenced by my growing exasperation of having to deal with too many unsuitable men.    Men with the qualities of my mindmate are very scarce, and I need a lot of searching to find him.   My search exposes me to being pestered by absurd contacts, that I am fending off by the dozens every day. 

So yes, I am sick and tired, I am exasperated to the max of dealing directly or indirectly with unsuitable men, who either make me puke by their promiscuity and lack of decency, or who blatantly disrespect my clearly expressed own criteria and my age.   But I have no choice.    If I would stop exposing myself to the nuisance of the unsuitable men, I would also cut myself off the chance to find my mindmate. 

Therefore my exasperation may well border on hostility towards all the unsuitable men, whom I wish to just stop pestering me.    I do not want to be hostile, all I want is finding my mindmate and never again have to deal with those unsuitable guys.  

1.   I am using several chats, where there is the possibility of a one to one dialogue.    There is an indication of my age along with my nickname.    When I first started to use those chats, I felt disappointed every time, when I was contacted, and again it was somebody too young.   In the beginning I thought, that those misguided kids needed to be told, that while they may see a  benefit for themselves in talking to a mature old woman, this is not reciprocal and that they are disturbing me.   Young people have their place in their own age group just as I have a place in mine.    
But after a few times politely telling some of them to refrain from disturbing me, I could not keep this up.   Out of every 100 male persons, who contact me in the chat, at least 95 are too young to be considered as men by a woman of 61, most of them are just kids in their 20s, 30s and 40s.
The three clicks to just block each of them became a dull routine.   And the more often I blocked one of them, the less I perceived  this as getting rid of a disturbing unsuitable humans.   Instead I perceive  them as abstract annoyances and nuisances, just like flies.   
When, after ridding myself of 95 flies, there finally is someone of the correct age group, then often he is either married or not searching for a serious relationship.       
2.   It is similar with the replies to my ads and profiles on dating sites.   At least 95 of those, who contact me, do so in contradiction to my very explicit criteria.    Being again and again contacted by religious breeders is also a nuisance. 
3.   I am the frequent target of scammers, because they consider old and lonely women as especially easy prey.    I have learned to recognize scammers very fast, but they do not know this, they try it again and again with me.   On some French sites, there are more scammers than real men. 
4.   When I look through profiles on those dating sites, where there is an option to choose as looking for no strings attached fun, flings, casual sex, friends with benefits, intimate encounters and similar expressions for being alley dogs, usually 80%, sometimes even 90% percent of men indicate this as at least an additional option, even when they are also looking for a long-term relationship.    There are very few decent men, who limit their search exclusively to a long-term relationship or a marriage.   But if I do not read the disgusting profiles, I cannot find the decent ones.     

I feel very exasperated.   When I will be happy with my mindmate, I will have earned that happiness with hard, dreary, unpleasant and dragging labor of fending off all those unsuitable guys and wading through a lot of disgusting mental human filth.    

Monday, February 7, 2011

238. Chemistry and Subconscious Instinctive Communication - 3

Chemistry and Subconscious Instinctive Communication - 3   

This continues entry 236.   By the way, my limiting the considerations of instincts to the effects on heterosexual interactions does not imply the non-existence of the effects of the interactions between males.   As a woman, this is outside my scope of interest.

The instincts are the same in modern times as described for our prehistoric ancestors.   Men feeling strong urges for sexual homeostasis approach women, people develop chemistry as a consequence of reducing the distance between them, and the result is copulation for the restoring of the sexual homeostasis of both.  
In my prehistoric scenario, the male initiated the process by entering the female's social space.   In modern times, circumstances bring people into each other's social and personal space all the time without them having any intention of mating.   In both situations, the instincts are triggered automatically by the approaching of two bodies, but only modern people can know by cognition, if the approaching was by choice for the purpose of mating, or an unavoidable consequence of our crowded modern life.   

People in the crowded modern life situation therefore need mechanisms, how to cope with the unwanted sharing of their social and personal space.   Desensitization and denial are these mechanisms, and they make a huge difference between our ancestors and modern societies.   Due to these mechanisms, there is no conscious perception for the working of chemistry between two individuals, until the strength of the chemistry reaches a threshold.  

But things are more complex.

1.  Checking without restoring distance can lead to attraction or aversion.
In our ancestors' times, the automatic process of instinctive mating had two options after approaching, either reciprocal checking and mating or distancing to avoid mating.    When the requirement of modern life impedes restoring enough distance in spite of an inclination to do so, a woman feels molested by men's onesided checking. 
Therefore, desensitization and denial serve two purposes.   They avoid low level attraction by chemistry to be kept out of consciousness, but also low level aversion to male chemistry checking out of a woman's consciousness.   Low level welcome chemistry is often mistaken for platonic sympathy, low level feeling molested is often mistaken for platonic antipathy.    

2.  There are individual differences of the magnitude of this threshold.  
For the most desensitized, the threshold is so high, that once chemistry is strong enough to rise over the threshold, this immediately triggers behavioral drives towards copulation.    
For more sensitive people, especially women, the threshold is low enough to perceive danger or aversion much earlier, either when feeling molested or when being fully aware of very good reasons of not succumbing to chemistry.   This lower threshold gives more sensitive people more options for appropriate actions. 

3.  The checking instinct triggered by proximity consists of an active and a passive component.   The passive component is the ability to perceive, consciously or subconsciously, when being checked.   The active component is the own checking, when driven by a need either to procreate or to gain sexual homeostasis or both.   
There are considerable intra-individual and inter-individual differences in the innate strength of both components.    I already described the differences between breeders and hypoanimalistic people in previous entries.   

4. Desensitization and denial of the instinctive forces have the consequence, that our modern western societies are afflicted with several dangerous collective delusions, which have led to social norms, that are detrimental for the more sensitive and less instinctive persons.  
Collective Delusion 1. When the true force of instincts is not consciously perceived, they are underestimated as either not existent, very weak and/or no causing harm.  
Collective Delusion 2. The ability to rule over instincts successfully by self-control and willpower is overestimated. 
Because of these delusions, the powerful, the most instinct driven, the most desensitized are forcing suffering and harm upon the sensitive, the hypoanimalistic, the non-breeders, the egalitarians, the epicureans.     

More in another entry.  

Sunday, February 6, 2011

237. The Spiral of Desensitization and Oversexation

237. The Spiral of Desensitization and Oversexation

When a man and a woman work at adjacent desks in an office, desensitization and denial protect their peaceful working together by keeping them from any disruptive effects of perceiving low level chemistry checking.  
But when each of them meets similar people at a party, where singles are intending to find a mate and where they want to feel chemistry, the desensitization has the effect of a hindrance.   They are in a multitude of people, with some them the result of the checking of their instincts is more reciprocal attraction, with others there is less.   But all the low level effects below their personal thresholds are filtered by the desensitization. 
Therefore they attempt to magnify the emitted signals, women by more and more salacious,  provocative and tight garments, men by muscles, tattoos and the display of status symbols and financial power.   The role models come from tv commercials, where from the beginning of tv and then of the web onwards, together with pornography, the fake were competing with real women for the influence on the men's instincts.    The competition was for the men's money either to be spent on the product or on the real women. 
Today's young women look more dressed like prostitutes than prostitutes in 50 year old Hollywood movies.   

As a result of radiating stronger chemistry signals, the threshold of reaching consciousness for chemistry in those situations, where it disturbs, was also reached faster.   As a consequence, the process of desensitization to more drastic levels continued too. 
After the initial socially necessary desensitization of the social and the personal space, the next step was the extension of the desensitization also to the intimate space including nudity, touch and promiscuity. 
It was a slow process, that I have seen develop over the years.   Desensitization caused women to dress more salacious, which in turn caused more desensitization.    There is nothing to logically stop this process, but how worse can it get?   Will at some time in the future people run around naked anywhere in public, whenever it is warm enough?   Will all the places, where females' intimate space used to have been protected against the intrusion of male strangers, disappear?  
When I was young, sports education at school was separated for girls and boys, youth hostels had separate dormitories.   By now, sport at schools is mixed, many hostels only have mixed dormitories.   Public saunas are already mostly mixed.   What comes next?   Will there only be mixed public toilets, mixed changing rooms and mixed showers in public swimming pools in the future?  Or will this lead to the abolition of changing rooms at all, as everybody is supposed to feel ok with being naked in public?  
Women have already no choice to be treated and nursed by women, but what comes next, will women be put together with men in the same room without their consent in hospitals and nursing homes? 
Where will this process end?  How can the more and more desensitized powerful be stopped from forcing more and more drastic violations of the privacy and intimate space upon those people, who are still sensitive????  

Saturday, February 5, 2011

236. Chemistry and Subconscious Instinctive Communication - 2

Chemistry and Subconscious Instinctive Communication - 2

When I wrote entry 232, I had omitted the important factor of personal space.    I already wrote, that I consider it as impossible, that two person of the opposite gender can have a relaxed platonic friendship, if for at least one of them the instinctive attraction to the chemistry of the other's body is so strong, that it overrides the denial and gets conscious.  

I am using the word chemistry in the sense of dating sites, where it means the physical attraction of two bodies with the conscious result of feeling passion and infatuation.   Chemistry is the result of the checking of all visual, auditory and olfactory stimuli, that indicate good genes and immunocompetence for having healthy offspring. 

People have an instinctive urge to keep invaders out of their personal bubble around themselves.    The size of the bubble differs between individuals and between cultures. 

"Intimate space, at 0 to 1.5 feet, is the closest distance possible and is appropriate when engaging in activities such as dancing, hugging, or having sexual intercourse. Personal distance falls between 1.5 and 4 feet, and is used when communicating with those that one is comfortable with and knows well. Social distance is used when interacting with strangers and ranges from 4 to 12 feet of spacing. "

I consider it as probable, that the three layers of the bubble correspond to three different phases of the mating process.   In the social space the visual and auditory checking takes place, in the personal space the olfactory checking, and in the intimate space all activities leading to the copulation.

The prototypical dynamics of mating behavior can be described as a process following a pattern.   For a description I am assuming our ancestors of a million or more years ago, still not very advanced in the realm of cognition and language, in a situation of enough food and enough space to live.    Male instinctive urges are stronger than those of females.
"l can imagine myself being comfortable and enjoing 'casual' sex with different partners" agreed 48 percent of men and 12 percent of women in another survey of 4901 Australians (Bailey & others, 2000).
As a consequence of this difference, I consider the males initiating the process of the first mating encounter between a female and a male.  

1.  A male feels a need to regain sexual homeostasis, therefore he enters the social space of a female.
2.  The female either moves away or they start reciprocally the process of visual and auditory checking.
3.  When one is not satisfied with the result, he or she moves away.
4.  When both are satisfied with the result, the male enters her personal space.
5.  Here they reciprocally start the process of olfactory checking the information from the pheromones.
6.  When one is not satisfied with the result, he or she moves away.
7.  When both are satisfied with the result, they have established chemistry.  This triggers the sexual instinct in both.
8.  The male enters her intimate space and they copulate.   

In these steps, only the first step is caused by an innate urge of the male.   The checking is an instinctive reaction to the distance inside the space, the reaction cannot be stopped while the distance is maintained, it can only be stopped by enlarging the distance.   
This is only describing the dynamics of the instincts, independent of what happens afterwards.    This process can take a long time, it can be interrupted and resumed, for example in the case of danger by predators.  

This process can have variations, depending on the circumstances.   When there is male domination, then it is only a onesided checking for chemistry:   The male invades the woman's space without her consent, he checks chemistry from his side only and coerces her to procreate.

I think, that the same instincts are still virulent in modern people, only their expression is modified by different factors, due to the evolution of cognition.
1.  Wearing clothes and cleanliness reduce the impact of the visual and olfactory stimuli.
2. People are to some degree able to be conscious of instinctive impulses.  They can make conscious decisions in contradiction to them, because they are aware of the consequences.
3.  Living in social density forces people to regularly accept situations of sharing the personal space with strangers or people, whom they do not want to be near to.   Sometimes this is forced upon people, who have no choice.
4.  Social rules, norms and laws focus on prevention or punishment to restrict detrimental consequences of the instincts.
5.  Cognition enables some persons to have an identity, that chooses a mate not by chemistry, but by intellectual and emotional criteria. 

In the process described above, if there is any chemistry, then the development is a gradual process, automatically starting at the male's entering the female's social space.    In a society, where people are forced to share their personal space with strangers as part of everyday life, sometimes for hours in public transport and crowds, this would have serious detrimental effects.    The lack of distance would trigger the permanent checking.    I am omitting the consideration of the permanent aggression between men in each other's bubble.
Therefore people have adapted to the temporary loss of personal space with the mechanisms of desensitization and denial.   Thus they are able to avoid conscious perception of any chemistry below a threshold.    This threshold can be individually higher or lower. 

Denial means, that the instincts do check and subconsciously perceive the signals from the other body, but as long as they are weaker than the threshold, they are not reaching consciousness.    Denial can also be collective, when the majority of people shares the threshold and denies the existence of anything below it.

But there is at least one exception, the Metro of Mexico City.   In the rush hours, the first wagon of every train is reserved for women and children.   The authorities there are not in denial, that it is not correct to expose women to men misbehaving due to their stimulated instincts.

Desensitization means, that the instincts check subconsciously for chemistry, but when the strength of the stimuli is below the threshold, the instincts stop checking or postpone rechecking and register it as no chemistry.   Desensitization can grow with habituation to being in crowded situations. 
Example:  Incest inhibition by desensitization.    Children, who grow up together, do rarely develop chemistry, even when they are not genetically related as when adopted.   But if genetic siblings only meet as adults, they can develop chemistry.   There was a tragic case of a brother and sister, who had children together and the man was put to jail for this. 

Desensitization and denial are unavoidable in all densely populated life situations.    But they has very detrimental consequences.    This will be continued in another entry.

Friday, February 4, 2011

235. Water for the Price of Gold

Water for the Price of Gold

I just came across something very great.   
Tomorrow is the world wide 10:23 Anti-Homeopathy protest action.
Unfortunately, the next place, where I could participate, is a bit too far away.    I wished I could take part in the action, I would not mind to drink an entire bottle of homeopathic Belladonna or Arsenic.   But the water from the tap is cheaper......    

It needs a lot of bottle shaking for every C added.   I wonder, how many of the laborers, who are supposed to do all the shaking, just fill the little bottles with tap water, when their boss is not looking.   Nobody can ever proof scientifically the difference between shaken and not shaken water.     

Some people have the brains to transport others to the moon.   And some people even lack the brains to know, that homeopathic remedies are plain water.

"The 10:23 Challenge is a follow-up to the 'overdose' protest staged by the 10:23 Campaign in 2010. International protesters from more than 10 countries, and more than 23 cities will gather for over the weekend of February 5-6 2011, to make the simple statement:
 Homeopathy - There's Nothing In It."

There is more information and some excellent videos.

This is my favorite of all the movies on that site:
The guy makes a homeopathic 30C remedy from his piss.  According to the claims of homeopathy, it is supposed to cure angry Americans and drunken Brits.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

234. Commitment and Friendship

Commitment and Friendship

Again and again I hear or read of people, who do not want a relationship, or at least not one living together.   They feel, that their friends are all they really need.    I have even read something like this as a motto on someone's profile:  Friends are forever, relationships come and go.    But what good are friends, who forever fail to cater for vital needs?
Commitment starts, where friendship ends.   The motto: 'United we stand, Divided we fall' describes the essence of commitment, which is lacking in all friendships of people who have separate lives.   Under extreme situations of expeditions and adventures it may be different.   In everyday life, when there is some trouble, be it with the neighbours, unwarranted demands for payments, stress at the job, as a person without a partner, I can find some relief by ranting to a patiently listening friend, I can get advice from a friend, but in the end, I am still alone with my troubles and I continue to feel alone.   The friend is not directly struck and affected, it is not her problem, only mine, as much as she may be supportive, she is an outsider.   
When a committed partner shares with me life, accommodation, resources, and when he has the identity of being half of a couple, half of a unit, that is us, then all is different.    With such a partner, I am never alone with any troubles, what strikes me, strikes him too.    If there is a conflict with the neighbours, it is his conflict too.   With a committed partner, I have never troubles to cope with alone, it is always us as a couple coping together with our troubles.
'United we stand, Divided we fall' means for me that together with a partner, we are each other's safe haven to cope with all the inclemencies of life without being stressed and emotionally affected in any detrimental way.   Being together in the struggle of life is a source of strength.    When I am alone, I am fully rationally capable to cope with all those troubles, but the stress of having to cope with them alone drains and depletes me.   

Years ago in a phase between relationships, I tried to numb and diminish my loneliness with a social life.   I was mingling with a lot of friends and acquaintances.    It was an illusion, it did not much good to me.   With them or without them I always felt lonely and alone.   I learned by this experience, that friends and acquaintances can never be more than an insufficient substitute for someone sharing life for better and for worse.   
A shared social life can be a part of the enjoyable things of a committed couple, it can add to the quality of life.   But a social life cannot replace a committed relationship.  

I am aware that for me as a woman, it is socially acceptable to admit, that coping alone with the inclemencies of life depletes me.    According to his social role, a man is supposed not only to cope alone for himself without feeling stressed, but to cope also for the dominated woman.    When a role-conforming man feels alone and stressed, he does not admit, not even to himself, that 'United we stand, Divided we fall' also is true for him.   Much less does he accept, admit and acknowledge the value of the woman's active part in the reciprocal support.   
Such a man, who needs the woman's support but cannot allow himself to acknowledge this, often attempts to cope with his own overload by alcohol, psychotropic drugs, becoming a workaholic.   Or he becomes a jerk, whose ruthless domination expresses his complete denial, that anything he does is less than perfect and that he would fare much better with the woman's support.

My mindmate is someone, who has the honesty to himself, and the unblurred introspection, that he needs the mutual support of a committed relationship as much as I do.     He is someone, who also feels 'United we stand, Divided we fall' about a committed relationship, and logically he also does not perceive friends as better or sufficient to substitute commitment.  

233. A Blog is Not an Autobiography

233.   A Blog is Not an Autobiography

Someone asked me in a private email:
" ...  you have had some crappy relationships with men. Personally I would have slapped the creeps and broken it off immediately instead of being subjected to indignity ...."
"How did you ever get yourself in those predicaments. I don't take you as naive? You seem too smart for that."
These are good questions, and I do not want to give the wrong impression, as if I were easy prey, prone to linger too long under outrageous treatment.    

A blog is not an autobiography.   It can be sometimes, when I tell explicitly, what has happened to me, from the snow in my garden to explicitly labelled true stories.  

But the main purpose of this blog is to find my mindmate by making clear, what is important to me.      

Examples, scenarios, metaphors, analogies are methods to add clarity to my thoughts.   Their purpose is not to rant with the truth of an affidavit about bad experiences, but to illustrate, what I want and accept, and what not.   
Some of them are modified own experiences, but some are the experiences of others or my own creation and imagination, maybe inspired by something that I have read.   

So please do not confound me with a sheep ready for the next jerk.   

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

232. Chemistry and Subconscious Instinctive Communication - 1

Chemistry and Subconscious Instinctive Communication - 1

Breeders as human animals are genetically programmed to produce as many healthy offspring as possible.     There has been a lot of research, how the mate choice is influenced by olfactory and visual clues signalling immunocompetence, and all this processes are not conscious.;col1

On this primitive precognitive level, every male body and every female body check each other automatically out as prospective mates for procreation, as soon as they get into close enough contact for the first time.    This checking out can happen in a short moment, and people can check out hundreds of potential mates, before they once perceive a chemistry strong enough to reach the conscious level.    This checking out is not conscious.   Only when they like each other's genes, they consciously feel what is called chemistry, they get infatuated and maybe they will develop love later.   Only if their genes do not want to breed, then they are able to interact in a non-sexual way with each other without the need of restraint and self-control.   While on the conscious level, there are age and other limits defining, whom somebody would consider as a potential mate, on the instinctive level, the body just checks every other body in reach.      

The working of this subconscious checking is independent of the consciousness.    People can differ widely in their sensitivity or desensitization for the amount of perception of this instinctive checking.  It depends on the social norms, experience with previous close contacts, individual and collective denial.    

1.  Dancing.   In societies and social groups, where the interaction of young people with the opposite gender is strictly controlled, this impedes the checking out in the search of a mate.   Therefore dances like the waltz were invented, where people thus were allowed to temporarily get into enough physical contact with many different persons, enabling them to check their mutual genetic attraction.    The sweating from dancing enhances the mutual perception of the pheromones.   
2.  Frequent physical contact like massage, medical treatment and nursing between persons of the opposite genders create a difficult situation.    Someone, who professionally has direct physical contact with persons of the opposite gender, needs high self-control and strict moral rules.   While most of the checking may be negative, when once in a while the bodies detect chemistry, the professional has learned to block this from his consciousness by complete denial, and he develops the routine of never consciously perceiving the results of his instinctive checking.  
But it does not always work this way.    There are again and again cases, when male doctors drug and abuse female patients.   
3.  Sex sells.   It is known, that when a man consciously buys a neutral product, in reality he buys the one, which is sold in association with the picture of women, whom he has subconsciously visually checked out for her genetic qualities.    The result is a sadly oversexed world, where the companies do not compete by the quality of their products, but by using the most successful stimuli on a men's instincts.  
As a result, the men's world is not filled anymore with a rate of feeling chemistry in every one contact in 100 or 1000 or whatever number of contacts, as is in a natural world, but much more often by those fake commercial stimuli from targets out of reach.    Feeling chemistry for a female body is not an exceptional event anymore, that triggers pair-bonding behavior.   For the desensitized man, it is a routine and habitual state without consequences.   

The world is oversexed for the target of men's instincts and money.    As a result women are forced to live in this oversexed world.   

A sensitive woman does not want to be checked by men's instinct without her consent, which means by her own choice and own participation in creating the situation of close physical contact such as is dancing.  
Such a woman naively or by lack of a choice allows a male massager or doctor handle her body, because she has been brainwashed to accept and belief the fairy tale, that professional men like doctors are capable to become temporary neuters, who can turn their instincts on and off by a switch.   She has the delusion of him having switched off his instincts.    Instead she perceives, how his instincts subconsciously check her out at least for a short moment.   He succeeds to keep it out of his consciousness, but in her perception, it is a humiliation.  
A desensitized woman has been brainwashed in a different way, she is made to believe, that there is nothing wrong in being checked out by men's instincts all the time, including that she has to accept her personal space invaded by men for that reason.

This world would be a much better place, if people would acknowledge the full power of their subconscious instinctive urges upon themselves and others, and if they would consciously organize their live in a way to allow the instincts to rule, where they are beneficial, but avoid their detrimental effects.   
That means to reduce the ubiquitous oversexed environment, it means to encourage people to get into close contact only, when it can lead to pair-bonding, but acknowledge the right and justification to refuse close physical contact with unrelated persons of the opposite gender.   
The dignity of having not only the choice, but the right of being treated by female doctors, female nurses, female masseurs should be given back to women.  

The collective denial of the power of the instincts does a lot of damage.

231. Seven Months of This Blog

Seven Months of This Blog
Looking at the blogger stats shows the average number of daily page views over the entire existence of this blog as about 20.   According to the google webmaster tools for the last month, this blog was found by 93 different search queries, and 46 times somebody clicked on it creating a page view.  That means, there are less then 2 page views per day as a result of a google search.   
There are links on some dating sites and in a few blog directories.  But there are obviously some regular readers.    
If you are one of them, please give me some feedback:   What do you get from this blog, what do you think about it?    Any suggestions for topics?    Any questions?

By what I have written until now, a man can know, if he could be my mindmate or not.    My English may be faulty and awkward once in a while, but I know that I can explain my thoughts in a comprehensible way.  
Therefore, any man, who has read most of my blog until here and does not comprehend, what I am looking for and what not, cannot be my mindmate.    He either lacks intelligence or emotional intelligence or both.  
For the purpose to explain my quest, I could stop writing.   But I am enjoying to write blog entries.   The more I write, the more often I am found by google searches.   Less than two searches a day leading someone to this blog are not enough.  

I would just like to get more feedback instead of monologuing.